Symbols need People

Masquerade

2007-08-09T20:04:00.000+10:00

A masquerade.
The first thought that comes to mind is a party where people wear masks to hide their true identity. I prefer to look at the actual hiding of ones identity. It does not even have to be identity that we are hiding. Perhaps a part of our identity, our personality, a covering up of the truth even.

This is important because we all cover up the truth in some way or another. Whether this is through a direct lie, or due to an omission of the truth, the reality behind something has been changed. A masquerade helps us to deal with the truth. If given the chance, would you not also choose a satisfying lie over the awful truth? This is of course highly dependent upon the situation which calls for the question. The reality is, most people would choose to tell a satisfying lie.

This makes things extremely hard when the mask finally comes off, the walls come down or the charade is lifted. This is where confrontation occurs. I recently experienced this myself. When I first met someone, all my walls came down. It is true, I was perhaps hiding behind less than ever before. The same could not be said for the other person. Last night, the mask came off and the truth came out. It was clearly a case of a satisfying lie to keep me from the awful truth.

The problem with this scenario is that once the truth does come out, someone needs to deal with the both the awful truth and the terrible lie.
Thinking about this in the broader scheme of things brings me to the question of power. Perhaps people tell lies for power. They feel powerful, or do so to feel more power. To exercise it over someone or to manipulate a situation to their needs. It becomes a bit of a role reversal though when the truth comes out, the powerful, the one controlling the situation is suddenly on the defensive, with less of a backbone to argue, less morals to rely on.

Lies will always be part of the human race. It is because of lies that we are here, at this very social and political scene that we live in. Everybody tells lies, and sometimes it doesn't make a difference. If you ever come across a situation though where a lie is seriously going to alter things then, in my experience, the awful truth is going to be so much more welcome.

"I can't find a wall to pin this to. They're all coming down since I met you" - Yellowcard (2007)

Q&A

2007-07-25T21:23:00.000+10:00

This blog has two components.
The first is about Q&A - Queer and Alternative. I really liked Thursday nights at a bar called Barry. It was awesome. The music matched what I was into. I could be a punk/skater and totally fit in, although I didn't have a problem with being different either. Sadly those nights are over. it's kind of sad to know that a place that was so much fun has gone. RIP Q&A.

I guess the crux of this blog relates to a different Q&A. The way we question ourselves. What answers we hope to find while diving into the deepest and darkest crevices of our mind.

I seem to be questioning myself lately. But sometimes questions can be mistaken for battles.
I've had a troubled week. Problems have arisen which have needed my attention. To deal with these I usually go for a run. There's something about it that allows you to think while not getting too angry, because excess energy is being released as you run.
I was running just the other night. Trying to figure out a pretty big problem which basically involved almost $3000 of my own money. While I was doing it I kept asking myself why I placed my trust in some people. Why did I trust them so quickly? Why didn't I qualify their trust? Then it lead to questions like Why do I always find myself the victim? I wasn't angry as such, but I was hurt, upset, and beginning to feel rebellious. I never questioned myself over why. It's been a mystery for three years, where these mood swings come from.

I guess in the end the answers all point back at me. Despite what has happened to me, despite the way I have been treated by some people, I still try to see the best in people. It has screwed me over before, and now again. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, so if someone is reading this and is worried I'll ask you not to be. I guess I'm someone who gets disappointed easily. I trust people, even though I keep an eye on them when they're suspicious. Without reason to suspect anything I trust people way too much.

The real question then becomes, is that my weakness?

The Prophecy

2007-07-19T16:06:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure whether I believe that 'prophets' can effectively and accurately predict the future. I'm pretty much a new age sort of guy, I don't believe in the power of the pyramid. This sort of thing typically makes me roll my eyes.
A prophecy is generally explained as being a statement that tells what will happen. In this regard it could be said to be connected to fate. I don't believe in fate myself because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.

However, the other day I 'prophecised' my Uni results...correctly too might I add. Does this make me a prophet? Was this just random luck or a well educated guess based on my sound knowledge of my educational ability and a knowledge of how my teachers would read my papers?
Whatever you think is irrelevant, as is what I may answer to these questions.
The main point I'm leading to here is that events such as these, although in different contexts, have sparked the curiosity of human society into believing and wanting more.

We see it everywhere, but one important example is that of John Edwards. You know, that guy who had a show on Channel 10 (Seriously) who could communicate with dead people. While not prophecising as such, it takes on the same concept that someone knows something that nobody else can know. A claim to access such information which makes people want more.
You see, like a prophet, John Edwards fills his audience with a sense of false hope. Whether his statements are true or not is something of personal opinion (personally I feel like there is someone out there with brown hair who agrees with me, however if you have Black hair then it could be you, sometimes my visions are blinded of colour).

I don't mean to be rain down on people's parade, but one thing I dislike is when people just follow orders, listen to information and believe it. It is something that has happened all throughout history. A little bit of hope, a little 'prophet' and the lure of a propitious opportunity pertaining to future events suck people in. Those people who really think for themselves have my complete respect. My days of blindly following orders are over. Every order I follow is because I'm making a conscious choice too, without interference of a pseudo exclamation.

I better be off, because my horoscope says I will be hungry after releasing an amount of energy...

Page 47

2007-04-22T11:36:00.000+10:00

Many of you who know me have asked the questions -
"What is your obsession with the number 47?"
"Why is it in your MSN name (47)?"
"Why do you want to get that tattooed on your arm?"

The answer goes deeper than I have ever divulged.

On one level the number came to my interest through the cult TV show 'Alias.' I can't call it a massive hit because the producers only ever intended it to fit a small audience, much like Buffy. In comparison, Lost was meant to be the same but it became a hit with mainstream audiences.

The number was first mentioned in the first episode 'Truth Be Told' where Marshall creates a camera within a lipstick that takes photos and can measure space in 3 axis from one vantage point.
This was the first mention of the number but I didn't start to become obsessed with it until the episode 'Page 47.' Page 47 referred to the 47th page of a manuscript written by the late prophet Milo Rambaldi in the 15th century. The page, unlike all others, was blank, but it contained significant information. The key to reading what was hidden beneath was to use the Rambaldi solution the CIA had recovered. Spraying this over the page would reveal 'The Chosen One.'
Suddenly I became obsessed with the number and saw it occurring everywhere.

So at the moment you all think I'm a massive geek. But the conspiracy grows.

Google the number '47'.
The first search result gives you 'The 47 Society: An international interest-group that follows the occurrence and recurrence of the quintessential random number: 47.

It is an intriguing phenomenon. The number 47 lives, and I know, deep down in my heart the number 47 will have a connection with the day I die. It may be the 47th day of the year, it may be when I am 47 years of age or in the year 2047. I might even die at 47 minutes past the hour or 47 hours after being involved in a serious car crash.

The truth is out there and it is trying to find you. All you need to do is look.

The Coup

2007-04-01T20:04:00.000+10:00

I've disappeared.
I feel like I have become, or am still in the process of becoming what I once swore I would never do. I haven't been able to control myself lately and I find myself slipping into old ways again.
I do not have multiple personality disorder. Nor bipolar. But I can feel something in me. The emotional part of my brain is sometimes there, and all powerful and controlling. Then sometimes it disappears, I become solely rational and the feeling of such emotions is non-existent.

I feel like I have been sucked further into a world where I do not fit in. The culture that is so ever present, one that I have witnessed is trying to entice me in.

I can't pretend like things have never been hard. They were awesome for a while but now that life is back into old routines I can finally see what it is doing to me - it is killing me.

I sit here now, pondering the existence of a better life. Not depressed, but so drained that I want to curl up and cry. It's a time when giving up seems a viable option and disappearing is something that will fix things. I want a life where I'm not working 38 hours a week, at Uni classes 6 hours a week, on the train 10 hours a week, trying to study to pass my subjects and somehow manage a social life. It is too hard to maintain. And my reasoning for this whenever anyone says I'm crazy - "It has to be done." But does it?

The burden of expectation is getting increasingly heavier. My health is being affected. Where once I could run five laps of the local footy oval, a 10 minute run these days leaves me out of breath for half an hour.

I have an essay to write that is due on Thursday. I have lost all desire and motivation to complete it. Why finish something that will get you nowhere if yo have nothing to prove to anyone? Why? Because it has to be done.

At the end of the day I know how things have changed. Looking back on things gives you a greater understanding of what has really happened. I didn't think I had changed that much since America. I only realised I had become less angry at the world. But I think it taught me that when I look after myself and stop trying to impress people or live up to their standards I'm a better person. I don't get as attached to things as I used to.

I'm taking drastic action in an effort to improve what is happening to me. You may not see me online much. I may not answer my phone or reply to messages. I don't even want to go out drinking for a while. There is no obligation to have to do these things. So if you are reading this, and you have gotten this far, know that these things need to be done.

And at the end of the day when you next see me, I'm going to tell you the truth.
-We all fall down-

The Box, Part 2

2007-02-10T17:36:00.000+11:00

The second two weeks of this trip was the Adventure tour.
We got back to Los Angeles early in the morning and had the day to ourselves. I think by this stage we were craving some fast food so we went to Maccas and had a large meal. For the record our large is their medium. It actually tasted pretty good and we all finished it!
A group of us went on an LA tour through Venice Beach, and Hollywood, seeing the Hollywood sign and the walk of fame. I lost myself in Hot Topic while everyone was sightseeing the Chinese Theatre...oops. Bought some wicked cool tshirts though.

The next morning we left for Vegas and stopped at Barstow on the way. Barstow is just desert, with massive outlet shopping centres selling heaps of clothes at awesome prices. I bought two pairs of shoes, some shirts, pants. I think I bought more than most of the girls.
We arrived in Vegas at night so were able to see all the bright lights. It does look nice but yea, after two nights there I was over it. We were out until about 2am both nights, basically just looking at everything we could. It's so easy to lose yourself there, and a few of the hotels have painted their ceilings to look like the sky, so you can forget its night time. The hotels are like malls almost. Heaps of shops and restaurants, and of course the Casino's. If there's room for a pokie machine, they'll put one in. We also went Indoor Skydiving in Vegas. It was so much fun I'm ready for the real skydiving now...when I get more money.

After Vegas we left for the Grand Canyon. We stopped at the Hoover Dam on the way which is on the border of Nevada and Arizona. It's a massive dam built on the Colorado River and the photos I took don't really capture just how big it is. It's like 660 feet thick of concrete at the base. That night we saw an IMAX movie about early explorations of the Grand Canyon which was pretty cool.
We saw the Grand Canyon the next morning and took some photos, had a snowball fight. After which we continued driving towards Steamboat Springs, Colorado, where we would be staying for 5 days.

We shared Condominiums in Colorado. Six people in each so we had to cook dinner as well for each other. Steamboat was heaps of fun. The group split up, with half of us snowboarding and the other half opting to ski. It's harder than it looks and I hurt my bum through falling over. Might have had a minor concussion too from one fall. We also went Snowmobiling, Horseback Riding and took a sleigh ride to dinner for Michaela's birthday (our tour leader).
On the last day in Colorado I got my eyebrow pierced. It looks hot by the way.
I should also tell you about Australia Day. Since we missed it back home we decided to drink in its honour. I got so drunk I actually can't remember what happened for half the night. But Aussie Aussie Aussie - OI OI OI!

That night we left on our long trip down to San Diego, stopping at hotels in the middle of nowhere and small towns for gas and fast food lunches.

We visited Tijuana, Mexico the night we arrived in San Diego. We did some shopping but most of the stuff was the same. Bartering was fun though. Lozz, Angela and I were such a good team. Then we had dinner and drinks at Iguana's Restaurant. I can't believe I can remember what happened. We got a cool Mexican dinner for just $5 and drinks were so cheap too. Two drinks for $5. We downed Tequila Sunrises, Strawberry Margarita's and Tequila shots. Oh the Tequila shots. The bartender guy holds your head back and pours some tequila into your mouth, then lets you swallow and does it again. The he shakes your head, and repeats the process. Once you've had like 4 mouth fulls he picks you up and spins you around the dance floor over his shoulder. It makes you so drunk really quickly. I did it twice and yea that probably wasn't the best idea.
We went to the Horton Plaza the next day and did some shopping. More Hot Topic and we had Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream - the best Ice Cream in the world. I had American Pie flavour and yes it tasted just like American Pie!
We visited SeaWorld the next day before driving back to LA to fly home. It was sad leaving. I miss everyone I went with. Lozz, Kylie, Angela, Calvin, Ben, Misty, Krissy, Rochelle, Emmie, Jing, Vicki, Michaela and Laila.

Never gonna forget the fun that we had, the things that we did and the memories that we now share.

Tim.

The Box, Part 1

2007-02-10T15:13:00.000+11:00

So most of you would have realised that I was gone for a month, and now that I'm back most of you are asking "How was the trip?" with my general response being "wicked cool, it was totally awesome."
I've decided to write about what happened, even though for the most part it can't really be conveyed to anyone. The few people I have tried to explain it to haven't really understood the meaning behind it, and so lives the memory of the greatest time in my life, alone in my head, and of those who I shared it with.

I went to America. An organised trip through ISV - International Student Volunteers - that aims to take Uni students overseas for some volunteer work and a wicked cool time. You don't have to be a uni student though so if anyone is interested go check out www.isvonline.com or ask me.

The first two weeks of the trip were spent on Catalina Island which is about an hour's boat ride west of Los Angeles. This is where we helped the Catalina Island Conservancy for our volunteer project. The Island has one main town, Avalon which is really small. The rest of the Island is mountainous and natural. Most people live in Avalon. The Island was quite arid, lots of cactus and it really looked like Outback Australia, dry and hot, even in winter.

Our accommodation for these two weeks was spent 20 minutes away from Avalon, at the Laura Stein Volunteer Camp. There were two large tents with 4 bunk beds in each, sleeping 8. One tent was the girls tent, the other had to be co-ed because of the large amount of girls on the trip.
We had quite an impressive kitchen with a refrigerator, barbeque, and gas stove. We had all the utensils we needed to cook dinner and had industrial sinks to clean dishes. There was no electricity up here so everything was run off propane gas bottles.
We had a fire pit at the camp which is where we spent almost every night. We'd eat dinner, talk, gossip, toast marshmallows and whatever else until we went off to bed. It was always freezing at night so the fire provided us with warmth. It was nice being outside. I really miss the fire.
We also had two flushing toilets and two showers- one indoor and one outdoor, with hot water. Camping with luxury you could call it.

So what did we have to do? We assisted the Conservancy with a few different tasks. There were two main ones though. We helped build 6 fences in 3 days (it was a record might I add). Thankfully this wasn't three days back to back because it was such hard work. Pounding poles into the ground, which was sometimes really hard, while standing on a ladder on a slope with a few people holding it. The purpose of the fences was to keep the Deer out of the areas we had enclosed. There had been a fire on the Island and the Conservancy were doing experiments on which plants grew back after a fire. The Deer eat the new plants as they grow so they needed to be kept out with an 8 foot fence.

We spent another four days removing an invasive weed called Fennel. I'm so sick of Fennel I don't care if I never see it again. It was growing around cactus so we had to cut cactus out the way, cut the Fennel at the base (it was dead but had to be cut and broken down) and then snap it and leave it on the ground so the nutrients could be absorbed back into the Earth.
It took a whole day to remove every bit of Fennel from the site we were working on.
The next three days (yes we had four in a row doing this) we planted native plants in the area. - California Coastal Sage. Yes I remembered that can you believe it. We planted 750 between the group which was heaps! Not allof us were planting at once. The ground was a bit hard so some people were digging holes with an Auger, and then others were removing the excess dirt from them with a manual hole digger. At the end of the four days though the area looked heaps better.

We also spent two days at the Native Plant Nursery. We helped clean it up a bit and transplanted California Coastal Sage from small pots into bigger ones so they could continue growing until they are ready to be planted. Basically we were involved in the whole process. We transplanted seedlings into bigger pots and then planted them into the ground.

We cleaned up a couple of the beaches on the Island too. Basically the wind and water current brings rubbish from the mainland to the Island and it gets stuck. We found heaps of Disneyland balloons and strings. We even found Wildman's Hut (haha). It's a story on the Island about a guy who mystery just walked into the mountains and now spends his life haunting people. We stole his cup and trashed it. Serves you right Wildman!

We had a couple of days off while we were working. Usually spent in Avalon washing our clothes and doing some shopping, quickly checking emails and calling home. On one Sunday though we went to a private beach and had an awesome barbeque lunch. Some people went Kayaking. I climbed a cliff and took photos of them Kayaking. We played games on the beach, including 'Whats the time Mr Wolf.' Ok don't laugh, we were all Uni students and we all just had a massive good time playing kids games.

That's the hard bit I think, trying to explain to people how good a time it was over there. I miss everyone I went with, the games we played, the talking around the fire, encouraging each other when we worked and worked and worked. Cooking dinner for each other and being like family. It was an awesome time those first two weeks on Catalina Island.

And to those people I went with - remember, you can't shrug a shrotum or shrotum a shrug!!

-Tim.

The Confession

2006-12-21T18:53:00.000+11:00

Christmas - An Alternative view.

You know it's that time of the year again when suddenly everyones spirits seem lifted. There's lights on houses and front gardens are decorated, some nicely, and some like random droppings of horse shit. There's two houses not far from me, like 2 minutes walk, but the opposite direction. If you turn left when you exit my house you'll see a neatly decorated house with even fairy lights. It's tasteful, despite my distaste for Christmas (see later paragraphs). However, if you take a right upon exiting my lair, walk for two minutes, you will come across something that looks like the North Pole has been raided by those aboard the Black Pearl. While Donna Hay goes for 'quick and simple' these people have gone for a 'lets get as much shit and throw it in our front yard so that passers by have a psychotic epileptic attack when they see the bright flashing lights.'

You may have noticed I hold quite a negative view of the whole 'season to be jolly'. The simple truth is, I do.
The over-commercialised nature of the whole thing just shits me, and of course the Church loves it because it makes most of Australia look like they're celebrating whatever Christmas celebrates. You can me ignorant, I'm guessing it's the birth of Christ whoever he was. I think I read about it in the Da Vinci Code.
So suddenly items in the shops are so much more expensive because its manipulating the honest shopper. Hey bitch, I'm buying this ham because I LIKE HAM, not because it's going to be put on the table in between the Fruit Mince Pies and the Bon Bons!

Now, my family is not religious. My mother is of the belief that you do not need to be to celebrate the magic of Santa. Is she on dope? Santa is a fictional character created by Coca-Cola or something. It only proves a child's naivety to believe in such a thing as a fat man in a red suit who visits ALL the children in the world on one night to give them presents.
Christmas this year has presented an even larger problem, as I have refused to visit my mothers side of the family for Christmas lunch. Mostly it's because I do not want to see them, I have nothing to talk to them about. They're the ones who sat back whispering and gossiping while I fought my internal battles of depression. Should I suddenly walk through the door with a fake smile on my face and greet them all for the first time in seven months? I think not.
The thought of attending a Christmas lunch does not interest me. People sharing presents, all laughing and being happy. I can be happy without the fake bluestone of love.

Christmas is something that I see as being forced upon us. Dependant upon our parents' religion of course. Most of us, however, are raised to believe in Santa, to enjoy the Christmas spirit, and nobody ever questions it. So I may be one of the only people to convert to a non-Christmas lifestyle. I may look at this holiday more strategically than emotionally, but if you seek the real truth in this world, you could learn something from questioning yourself.

____________________________________________________________________________________
Tim is the author of this blog who believes that a present is merely the period of time we are currently living.

Spirit

2006-12-13T19:04:00.000+11:00

This may be the last thing that I write for long.
Can you hear me smiling when I sing this song for you, and only you?
As I leave will you be someone to say good-bye?
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?
My foot is out the door, and you can't stop me now...

You wanted the best, it wasn't me.
Will you give it back?
Now I'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow.
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive.
Is this what you want?
Is this what you need?
How you end up let me know...

As I go, remember all the simple things you know.
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope that you will miss me when I'm gone.
This is the last song

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone...
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on...
It seems so surreal, now I sing it...

Somehow I knew that it would be this way.
Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade.
Now I am gone, just try and stop me now...

You wanted the best, it wasn't me.
Will you give it back?
Now I'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow.
I'll see you again. You'll pretend you're naive.
Is this what you want?
Is this what you need?
How you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know.
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when I'm gone.
This is the last song.

And will you need me now...
You'll find a way somehow...
You want it too...
I want it too...

Mea Culpa

2006-11-25T19:58:00.000+11:00

I guess I have nobody to blame but myself. I had a realisation today maybe I'm not the absolutely fantastic member of society I thought I was. That's clearly a joke as I believe society has failed me and many others in my position.

While I can blame society for being homophobic and anti-non-conformists as well as hating young people and applying impossible restrictions and measures and counter measures to control the teenage/young people sub-culture (the list could go on), everything that has happened could ultimately be laid down as coming from me.

Do I accept blame? Does anybody ever accept the blame. We all use excuses. It's something we are pretty much taught to do. I can't accept that everything is really my fault, as society has created me. Despite no one having an influence on me, everybody has had an influence on me. the layers I've built, the people I've manipulated, those I have grown to love and slipped away from.
I guess there's a reason people shy away from me. I have an attitude, it's there to protect me and it is becoming more prominent. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing and I'm glad that I'm standing up for myself more and saying what I want to. Like today, the Family First Party tried to shove a "How to vote for the Family First Party" pamphlet into my hands. I walked straight past them and told them "haha not a chance." It made me smile. Then, walking through the city this well dressed guy...I cant call him a punk because punks are cool, he was a hip-hopper, asked me and my mate if we had any loose change. Thing is he didn't just ask, he walked in front of my friend (backwards) and it was quite a threatening way to ask for money. So I said "HEY, we don't have any money alright" so he called me a fucking cunt and whatever else. LOL.

My other problem is I think I can get attached to some things too easily. I'm slowly learning to back off it a bit but it's hard when you find something (or someone) you really want and then don't know how to pursue it. Like, I was meant to meet someone last night. Their phone died and we never ended up meeting, so we both felt as if we'd been stood up. Now I don't know how to pursue it. Should I care if someone can't message me back as quickly as I'd like?

Actually this blog is completely off track from how society has made me but it could possibly be all my fault. Society as a whole is starting to become more accepting but there is a long way to go. I could be proud and stand up and fight for what I am. But society has suppressed me and I've come to almost like that. I dress in black, I get called an emo, I find it so hard to be honest with most people and to open up. I could be happy and open but that's what society wants. And there isn't a chance they're getting that from me.

I'm gonna fight, but in my own way. Everyday I become more sure of myself. I may not be who you want me to be. I may not do what you want me to do. But I'm Tim, and those closest to me know that I'll fight for them all the way.

-Tim

~Tim is a free-range blogger who believes that ultimately there is no I in 'mea culpa'.

Time Will Tell

2006-11-16T21:10:00.000+11:00

When contemplative reflections show us for what we have become, one individual worries about the adverse effect on our economy...not really.

Some people constantly do it. Some for good. To improve their lives, to reflect upon their past, their decisions and determine a course of action for improving their health and well being, as well as their overall satisfaction in life.
Some people don't do it for good. They don't sit down and ponder and brainstorm ways to increase their happiness. For some people its something they can't control. A product of the equation of unhappiness, sometimes emotionally increased by feelings of failure and non accomplishment.
I've been wondering lately. Thinking about the way I am, the way I have become. The things that have made me what I am. How I've dealt with situations. The way in which I've changed. What I've done to myself in order to cope with the changing situation at hand.

I seriously believe I analyse things too much. Now I'm analysing the spell checker because its telling me that 'analyse' is spelt wrong. But back to the purpose of this blog. I think too much. Even about my own actions, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, reactions. While me revealing the inner depths of my mind would produce a fascinating read I don't think I'm ready to open up to everyone, let alone anyone.

Only time will tell where this is all going to end. Whether emotions will be boxed and thoughts concealed. Created and shaped by the perceptions of others and their ability to transcribe a particular reaction in you.
Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Every person has a function. But in an era where time has become our greatest enemy, ends can be drawn too soon and functions disillusioned by constraint after constraint.

This sounds like such a depressing blog. It was not my intention. More a look at the cynical side of what modern life has created in us.

Cheers.

Colour-blind

2006-11-10T21:45:00.000+11:00

So, another blog. A lot has been happening lately and I find that I'm going to need to do what I once had to...compartmentalise my emotions in order to maintain the strategic balance I have my peers.

Makes me wonder about emotions. So many people are easily controlled by them. For example, those hot headed people. Like Russell Crowe. Then there's people who are always calm and calculated. I used to be like that before I started letting people into my life. Now I'm a balance between the two. I need people. But I also need to maintain a cap on my feelings.

Recently I felt something I haven't felt for a while. Lust, or a serious crush. The circumstances are totally barbaric and I won't elaborate on them in a public forum. But how can I start to feel something for someone I haven't met? Having them creep into my thoughts when I'm bored and lonely. This is why I need to control it, because as experience shows, nothing good will ever come out of it.

With that, you start to think about the other party involved. What are they thinking? And feeling? If at all? Am I just amusement, a game maybe? This is the substantial problem in developing a crush, and I'm going to refer to it as a crush for ease of referencing, on someone that you have not met. Am I an idiot or just like an ever increasing group of Y-gen's (or as MC Lars calls us, the iGeneration - i prefer his term).

The other problem with feelings is that you really can't control them. If we could, then I wouldn't have developed these feelings prematurely. Unfortunately, feelings can also lose you friends and this past week I've been faced with the retribution from one of my best mates because I see-saw between ridiculously happy and depressingly sad. It really hurts to think that this person is gone and I've taken measures to ensure I'm going to come out of this a better person. That person will most likely never read this blog, and may never care about the impact they had on my life, although the circumstances surrounding such an enlightenment are not so worthy of an autobiography or blockbuster movie.

At the end of this I'm me, and maybe I can't control things. Maybe I need to stand up and fight for what I need to. I've stayed in the darkened corner of my room listening to emo music and crying too many times to have ever been able to take away anything positive.

I miss those friends, and I desire that which I probably will not get. But maybe in the end the realisation of self fulfilment and the error of my ways will put the colour back into my eyes.

-Tim.

Reckoning

2006-11-03T19:59:00.000+11:00

Hi,

"You belong to me, my snow white queen"

That's another useless quote that has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about.
Well what's new? I've been sick. Still am. I hadn;t sneezed naturally in like 6 months and suddenly I was faced with a barrage of seven in a row for a whole night. It was like whoa what's going on! Of course, I still went to work. We are busy, I need money. Me and busy is good. Keeps my mind off other things!

Truth is, recent developments and events have put things into perspective. People have told me stuff. They're moving on wth their life. Operations to make sure they'll be able to have kids, friends getting into long term relationships, becoming managers of businesses and earning money, and becoing comfortable with themselves. Here I am. I'm alone and the number of close friends I have seems to be shrinking. For the most part of High School I tried to either fit in or shirnk into the background. Wanting to not be seen. I'm forced to do that yet again, because apparently I "sound gay" according to some 12 year old. So do I believe a 12 year old? Or believe the friends who deny it? Why do I even care? The answer is because I'm afraid of the truth. Because I am gay, and because after all this time I still can't handle it. I have friends who have already taken boys home and here I am still afraid to talk about it with people who know.

I think I know what's going to happen. I can already feel it. Emotions are being compartmentalised and hidden from the world. I'm becoming cold and heartless. Hatrid fills my veins with that which I cannot control. A burning anger that showed itself back in July/August. Lying dormant in the unconscious part of my brain.

So...since I kinda was just honest with the whole...no one who reads this, I've come to appreciate this blog as an area for me to get rid of things. And at someone in my last Uni class said this year, "Graffiti is the way, its the only way to get our message out there."

-Sark

Doppleganger

2006-10-29T14:51:00.000+11:00

Hi.

Well what a week.
I'm so tired. Not having time to bludge, and just relax. Although always having something to do is keeping me in a great routine. Up early every morning for work or uni. Except now UNI CLASSES ARE OVER. Wooo.
I actually just finished redrafting an essay after the teacher said I didn't do enough of my own research. Umm whatever. So I don't really care about that. Its done thats all I care about it.

Bought a great new tshirt yesterday too. Its go good ol' Uncle Sam pointing the finger and saying FUCK YOU. I love it. Dad doesn't, but isn't that the point?

My aptly named blog today is referring to the 2 me's. The other side of me has been suppressed of late. I'm calling him Luke, the dormant side of my personality driven by desire and rage and anger. I could feel it coming through the other day while I had every little fucking Footscray creature cutting me off and walking slowly and stopping. lol. I tried to induce it but I couldn't which just weakens the argument that I'm just an idiot. I believe it's real, even if no one else does.

Also, I thought I came down with Campylobacter Food Poisoning the other night. Chicken should have been fine but it was actually RAW in one bit. It was one of those Chicken Kiev's you buy frozen and put in the oven. Yes, after 45 minutes it was still raw. I'm not trusting anything like that again. So for the next 24 hours I was worried I might start vomiting or getting a fever or coming down with paralysis. Yes thats a symptom I found it on the Net ;)

2 Months to go until my trip. I'm so pumped. One month to go until I find out WHERE and WHAT I'm doing for the first two weeks. Some volunteer work. I kinda hope we're gonna be in Mexico, or anywhere where winter aint that bad. lol.

Well I better go, maybe I should start my next essay. Or just relax for once. I have a day off tomorrow, maybe that will be essay day.

-Tim.

Homework status:
1 essay
2 exams.

A Broken Heart

2006-10-16T18:20:00.000+10:00

"Everybody here is living life in fear of fallin' out of line"

Today was such a nice day and I spent it at Uni. The last Monday I shall go to Uni. Rolf has cancelled Tourism Law for next week and Devaki wants to have cake instead of doing Sociology. Day off then for me. I'll get my Sociology essay done hopefully.

Speaking of essays I'm so over them. I have an Employment Law one due in a week and a half, would like to finish it a week early though. So hard when all the time you can commit is a couple of hours each night after working for a full day. I'm gonna start doing some after dinner though.

I watched an episode of Lost when I got home from Uni today. Since I missed it on TV. I must say, it's quite riveting. Luckily I'm disciplined enough to not let it get in the way of other important things.

I went out for dinner last night and had Duck. I don't know why. Brittany had duck at a nice restaurant and said it was beautiful. This was not a nice restaurant and I felt sick. I've now come to the conclusion that ducks are for feeding at the park and not for human consumption.

Realising how much I miss my friends lately too. I'm so busy, it's impossible to catch up with everyone I want to. But I'm definitely going to do a decreased work load at Uni next year. Originally I was thinking part time, and take a another 2 years to finish. But maybe I'll do 2 subjects in first semester, then 3 in the next 2 semesters and finish in a year and a half. Surely 3 subjects will still be a lot less to worry about than 4. I just wanna earn money though.

But yea, I need so badly to catch up with so many friends. Chris is having drinks for his birthday though this weekend so I'm sure people will come to that. It will mean that I'll have to break my vow to not go out until after exams. So I'll work hard this week and earn the right to go out.

Uni work count:
2 x 2,500 word essays
2 exams.

Party time:
Friday November 17, 5:01pm

Departure:
Wednesday January 3, 12:30pm

Parity

2006-10-12T20:09:00.000+10:00

Today was also known as "The Day the Diet Ended"

Yes that's right. I was on a diet. "But why Tim, you're already so hot?" I hear you say/think! Well actually I cut my soft drink and chocolate consumption was almost 100%. I had the odd glass of soft drink but I actually went quite a while without chocolate. But tonight at Uni I was hungry and I had the choice of a BOOST Chocolate Bar or some deep fried chips which might have been there for an hour. I went with the Boost. I also had a Pepsi Max to wake me up because there were boring presentations in my last class. But the diet will continue. Maybe I'll call it a lapse..

This week has also been quite tiring. Started my new position which meant lots of work learning everything. It's been good. I think I'm doing ok. But I'm up early every day and doing uni and work and soon exams will be upon me. Totally sucks. But that's life isn't it? Might even go out on the weekend to relax and have fun.

I have also paid the balance on my trip to America. Very exciting, although I will miss this nice weather I think.

I actually have so much homework to do and I can't be bothered tonight. I'm not in a productive mood. I'll do it tomorrow night (yes I'm staying home on a Friday). I can't wait for the day when the semester is over and I can learn to be bored again. Some day now.......I feel like Tacos. haha (Some people will get that).

That's all from me tonight. Wish me luck with homework.

So It Begins

2006-10-09T19:39:00.000+10:00

Today was one of the worst days of Uni I've had for a while.
Tourism Law finished 105 minutes early. I think Rolf (lecturer/tutor) was cut or something.
That left me with about 4 hours of time to kill before Sociology. Boring. Maybe that's why I feel so flat today.
I was falling to sleep on the train home (not good) and didn't wake up properly at home. So anyway, fast forward to 30 mins ago...

I went to Safeway to buy some Vitamin E as I'm sure commercialism and the use of marketing has gotten to my head and makes me believe I need 2 per day to be alert. I also bought some of those microwaveable soup packs for work. I'm over sandwiches and I'm too tight to buy lunch every day at Southbank!
So I drove past Maccas on the way home as I have to do, and I saw Chris in a black shirt. WTF! So I went in. They all seemed happy to see me it was so funny. Poor kids. Chris is a manager (why Chris why??), and I got Holly's number again. Woot! But was kinda cool to see some old friendly faces. It really was, that wasn't sarcastic.

Start my new position tomorrow. Yes I have been promoted and taken out of the subscriptions department and am now in Customer Service. Training is basically anytime I'm not at Uni which leaves less time to do homework. I have a weekly timetable set up now. Is that normal for a 20 year old? But don't get me wrong, I'm happy, I'm excited. I get bored easily. Some of you know this.

I also received my final invoice for my trip. I'm so pumped for it I can't wait. January 3 really isn't that far away when you think about first overcoming the semester, then exams, then it's easy until Christmas when BAM! I'll be ready to go.

Well I best be off to do some homework. Tonight it's some Employment Law tutorial questions and an article for Sociology. So tired but must push on.

Truth Be Told

2006-10-08T16:57:00.000+10:00

I pledge allegience to myself, for I shall never give in and allow myself to be boxed or caged.
I pledge allegience to my friends, who I would take a bullet for.
I pledge that this blog is honest, a new twist on my blog of old, and
I pledge that I will always be standing in the way of those who seek to chain us.

Welcome.

I used to be a major blogger. Some of you already know this. An MSN Spaces blog filled with rage and hate, a black background to accompany the black thoughts I churned out.

Things have changed.

I'm not saying this is going to be peachy. I have however left behind my "I need to complain about everything" blog and forged a new identity in the blogging world.

Wake up the Revolution is in dedication of a song that reminds me that for every person who stands up for something, there are others who are too afraid. I was very much like that. I hated that, and I need to do what I believe in now.

So here I am, a new Tim so to speak, apparently free. But we are not free, and so we must break the bonds of constraint that we have been tied down with for so long.

I hope to update this regularly. Uni will slow me down but since procrastinating is one of my well-learned skills I probably won't be held down by such a responsibility.

And if I could have one wish fulfilled, it would be that every person can pledge allegience to themselves.