The Coup

I've disappeared.
I feel like I have become, or am still in the process of becoming what I once swore I would never do. I haven't been able to control myself lately and I find myself slipping into old ways again.
I do not have multiple personality disorder. Nor bipolar. But I can feel something in me. The emotional part of my brain is sometimes there, and all powerful and controlling. Then sometimes it disappears, I become solely rational and the feeling of such emotions is non-existent.

I feel like I have been sucked further into a world where I do not fit in. The culture that is so ever present, one that I have witnessed is trying to entice me in.

I can't pretend like things have never been hard. They were awesome for a while but now that life is back into old routines I can finally see what it is doing to me - it is killing me.

I sit here now, pondering the existence of a better life. Not depressed, but so drained that I want to curl up and cry. It's a time when giving up seems a viable option and disappearing is something that will fix things. I want a life where I'm not working 38 hours a week, at Uni classes 6 hours a week, on the train 10 hours a week, trying to study to pass my subjects and somehow manage a social life. It is too hard to maintain. And my reasoning for this whenever anyone says I'm crazy - "It has to be done." But does it?

The burden of expectation is getting increasingly heavier. My health is being affected. Where once I could run five laps of the local footy oval, a 10 minute run these days leaves me out of breath for half an hour.

I have an essay to write that is due on Thursday. I have lost all desire and motivation to complete it. Why finish something that will get you nowhere if yo have nothing to prove to anyone? Why? Because it has to be done.

At the end of the day I know how things have changed. Looking back on things gives you a greater understanding of what has really happened. I didn't think I had changed that much since America. I only realised I had become less angry at the world. But I think it taught me that when I look after myself and stop trying to impress people or live up to their standards I'm a better person. I don't get as attached to things as I used to.

I'm taking drastic action in an effort to improve what is happening to me. You may not see me online much. I may not answer my phone or reply to messages. I don't even want to go out drinking for a while. There is no obligation to have to do these things. So if you are reading this, and you have gotten this far, know that these things need to be done.

And at the end of the day when you next see me, I'm going to tell you the truth.
-We all fall down-