I guess I have nobody to blame but myself. I had a realisation today maybe I'm not the absolutely fantastic member of society I thought I was. That's clearly a joke as I believe society has failed me and many others in my position.
While I can blame society for being homophobic and anti-non-conformists as well as hating young people and applying impossible restrictions and measures and counter measures to control the teenage/young people sub-culture (the list could go on), everything that has happened could ultimately be laid down as coming from me.
Do I accept blame? Does anybody ever accept the blame. We all use excuses. It's something we are pretty much taught to do. I can't accept that everything is really my fault, as society has created me. Despite no one having an influence on me, everybody has had an influence on me. the layers I've built, the people I've manipulated, those I have grown to love and slipped away from.
I guess there's a reason people shy away from me. I have an attitude, it's there to protect me and it is becoming more prominent. Don't get me wrong. It's a good thing and I'm glad that I'm standing up for myself more and saying what I want to. Like today, the Family First Party tried to shove a "How to vote for the Family First Party" pamphlet into my hands. I walked straight past them and told them "haha not a chance." It made me smile. Then, walking through the city this well dressed guy...I cant call him a punk because punks are cool, he was a hip-hopper, asked me and my mate if we had any loose change. Thing is he didn't just ask, he walked in front of my friend (backwards) and it was quite a threatening way to ask for money. So I said "HEY, we don't have any money alright" so he called me a fucking cunt and whatever else. LOL.
My other problem is I think I can get attached to some things too easily. I'm slowly learning to back off it a bit but it's hard when you find something (or someone) you really want and then don't know how to pursue it. Like, I was meant to meet someone last night. Their phone died and we never ended up meeting, so we both felt as if we'd been stood up. Now I don't know how to pursue it. Should I care if someone can't message me back as quickly as I'd like?
Actually this blog is completely off track from how society has made me but it could possibly be all my fault. Society as a whole is starting to become more accepting but there is a long way to go. I could be proud and stand up and fight for what I am. But society has suppressed me and I've come to almost like that. I dress in black, I get called an emo, I find it so hard to be honest with most people and to open up. I could be happy and open but that's what society wants. And there isn't a chance they're getting that from me.
I'm gonna fight, but in my own way. Everyday I become more sure of myself. I may not be who you want me to be. I may not do what you want me to do. But I'm Tim, and those closest to me know that I'll fight for them all the way.
-Tim
~Tim is a free-range blogger who believes that ultimately there is no I in 'mea culpa'.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Time Will Tell
When contemplative reflections show us for what we have become, one individual worries about the adverse effect on our economy...not really.
Some people constantly do it. Some for good. To improve their lives, to reflect upon their past, their decisions and determine a course of action for improving their health and well being, as well as their overall satisfaction in life.
Some people don't do it for good. They don't sit down and ponder and brainstorm ways to increase their happiness. For some people its something they can't control. A product of the equation of unhappiness, sometimes emotionally increased by feelings of failure and non accomplishment.
I've been wondering lately. Thinking about the way I am, the way I have become. The things that have made me what I am. How I've dealt with situations. The way in which I've changed. What I've done to myself in order to cope with the changing situation at hand.
I seriously believe I analyse things too much. Now I'm analysing the spell checker because its telling me that 'analyse' is spelt wrong. But back to the purpose of this blog. I think too much. Even about my own actions, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, reactions. While me revealing the inner depths of my mind would produce a fascinating read I don't think I'm ready to open up to everyone, let alone anyone.
Only time will tell where this is all going to end. Whether emotions will be boxed and thoughts concealed. Created and shaped by the perceptions of others and their ability to transcribe a particular reaction in you.
Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Every person has a function. But in an era where time has become our greatest enemy, ends can be drawn too soon and functions disillusioned by constraint after constraint.
This sounds like such a depressing blog. It was not my intention. More a look at the cynical side of what modern life has created in us.
Cheers.
Some people constantly do it. Some for good. To improve their lives, to reflect upon their past, their decisions and determine a course of action for improving their health and well being, as well as their overall satisfaction in life.
Some people don't do it for good. They don't sit down and ponder and brainstorm ways to increase their happiness. For some people its something they can't control. A product of the equation of unhappiness, sometimes emotionally increased by feelings of failure and non accomplishment.
I've been wondering lately. Thinking about the way I am, the way I have become. The things that have made me what I am. How I've dealt with situations. The way in which I've changed. What I've done to myself in order to cope with the changing situation at hand.
I seriously believe I analyse things too much. Now I'm analysing the spell checker because its telling me that 'analyse' is spelt wrong. But back to the purpose of this blog. I think too much. Even about my own actions, behaviours, thoughts, feelings, reactions. While me revealing the inner depths of my mind would produce a fascinating read I don't think I'm ready to open up to everyone, let alone anyone.
Only time will tell where this is all going to end. Whether emotions will be boxed and thoughts concealed. Created and shaped by the perceptions of others and their ability to transcribe a particular reaction in you.
Everything that has a beginning, has an end. Every person has a function. But in an era where time has become our greatest enemy, ends can be drawn too soon and functions disillusioned by constraint after constraint.
This sounds like such a depressing blog. It was not my intention. More a look at the cynical side of what modern life has created in us.
Cheers.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Colour-blind
So, another blog. A lot has been happening lately and I find that I'm going to need to do what I once had to...compartmentalise my emotions in order to maintain the strategic balance I have my peers.
Makes me wonder about emotions. So many people are easily controlled by them. For example, those hot headed people. Like Russell Crowe. Then there's people who are always calm and calculated. I used to be like that before I started letting people into my life. Now I'm a balance between the two. I need people. But I also need to maintain a cap on my feelings.
Recently I felt something I haven't felt for a while. Lust, or a serious crush. The circumstances are totally barbaric and I won't elaborate on them in a public forum. But how can I start to feel something for someone I haven't met? Having them creep into my thoughts when I'm bored and lonely. This is why I need to control it, because as experience shows, nothing good will ever come out of it.
With that, you start to think about the other party involved. What are they thinking? And feeling? If at all? Am I just amusement, a game maybe? This is the substantial problem in developing a crush, and I'm going to refer to it as a crush for ease of referencing, on someone that you have not met. Am I an idiot or just like an ever increasing group of Y-gen's (or as MC Lars calls us, the iGeneration - i prefer his term).
The other problem with feelings is that you really can't control them. If we could, then I wouldn't have developed these feelings prematurely. Unfortunately, feelings can also lose you friends and this past week I've been faced with the retribution from one of my best mates because I see-saw between ridiculously happy and depressingly sad. It really hurts to think that this person is gone and I've taken measures to ensure I'm going to come out of this a better person. That person will most likely never read this blog, and may never care about the impact they had on my life, although the circumstances surrounding such an enlightenment are not so worthy of an autobiography or blockbuster movie.
At the end of this I'm me, and maybe I can't control things. Maybe I need to stand up and fight for what I need to. I've stayed in the darkened corner of my room listening to emo music and crying too many times to have ever been able to take away anything positive.
I miss those friends, and I desire that which I probably will not get. But maybe in the end the realisation of self fulfilment and the error of my ways will put the colour back into my eyes.
-Tim.
Makes me wonder about emotions. So many people are easily controlled by them. For example, those hot headed people. Like Russell Crowe. Then there's people who are always calm and calculated. I used to be like that before I started letting people into my life. Now I'm a balance between the two. I need people. But I also need to maintain a cap on my feelings.
Recently I felt something I haven't felt for a while. Lust, or a serious crush. The circumstances are totally barbaric and I won't elaborate on them in a public forum. But how can I start to feel something for someone I haven't met? Having them creep into my thoughts when I'm bored and lonely. This is why I need to control it, because as experience shows, nothing good will ever come out of it.
With that, you start to think about the other party involved. What are they thinking? And feeling? If at all? Am I just amusement, a game maybe? This is the substantial problem in developing a crush, and I'm going to refer to it as a crush for ease of referencing, on someone that you have not met. Am I an idiot or just like an ever increasing group of Y-gen's (or as MC Lars calls us, the iGeneration - i prefer his term).
The other problem with feelings is that you really can't control them. If we could, then I wouldn't have developed these feelings prematurely. Unfortunately, feelings can also lose you friends and this past week I've been faced with the retribution from one of my best mates because I see-saw between ridiculously happy and depressingly sad. It really hurts to think that this person is gone and I've taken measures to ensure I'm going to come out of this a better person. That person will most likely never read this blog, and may never care about the impact they had on my life, although the circumstances surrounding such an enlightenment are not so worthy of an autobiography or blockbuster movie.
At the end of this I'm me, and maybe I can't control things. Maybe I need to stand up and fight for what I need to. I've stayed in the darkened corner of my room listening to emo music and crying too many times to have ever been able to take away anything positive.
I miss those friends, and I desire that which I probably will not get. But maybe in the end the realisation of self fulfilment and the error of my ways will put the colour back into my eyes.
-Tim.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Reckoning
Hi,
That's another useless quote that has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about.
Well what's new? I've been sick. Still am. I hadn;t sneezed naturally in like 6 months and suddenly I was faced with a barrage of seven in a row for a whole night. It was like whoa what's going on! Of course, I still went to work. We are busy, I need money. Me and busy is good. Keeps my mind off other things!
Truth is, recent developments and events have put things into perspective. People have told me stuff. They're moving on wth their life. Operations to make sure they'll be able to have kids, friends getting into long term relationships, becoming managers of businesses and earning money, and becoing comfortable with themselves. Here I am. I'm alone and the number of close friends I have seems to be shrinking. For the most part of High School I tried to either fit in or shirnk into the background. Wanting to not be seen. I'm forced to do that yet again, because apparently I "sound gay" according to some 12 year old. So do I believe a 12 year old? Or believe the friends who deny it? Why do I even care? The answer is because I'm afraid of the truth. Because I am gay, and because after all this time I still can't handle it. I have friends who have already taken boys home and here I am still afraid to talk about it with people who know.
I think I know what's going to happen. I can already feel it. Emotions are being compartmentalised and hidden from the world. I'm becoming cold and heartless. Hatrid fills my veins with that which I cannot control. A burning anger that showed itself back in July/August. Lying dormant in the unconscious part of my brain.
So...since I kinda was just honest with the whole...no one who reads this, I've come to appreciate this blog as an area for me to get rid of things. And at someone in my last Uni class said this year, "Graffiti is the way, its the only way to get our message out there."
-Sark
"You belong to me, my snow white queen"
That's another useless quote that has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about.
Well what's new? I've been sick. Still am. I hadn;t sneezed naturally in like 6 months and suddenly I was faced with a barrage of seven in a row for a whole night. It was like whoa what's going on! Of course, I still went to work. We are busy, I need money. Me and busy is good. Keeps my mind off other things!
Truth is, recent developments and events have put things into perspective. People have told me stuff. They're moving on wth their life. Operations to make sure they'll be able to have kids, friends getting into long term relationships, becoming managers of businesses and earning money, and becoing comfortable with themselves. Here I am. I'm alone and the number of close friends I have seems to be shrinking. For the most part of High School I tried to either fit in or shirnk into the background. Wanting to not be seen. I'm forced to do that yet again, because apparently I "sound gay" according to some 12 year old. So do I believe a 12 year old? Or believe the friends who deny it? Why do I even care? The answer is because I'm afraid of the truth. Because I am gay, and because after all this time I still can't handle it. I have friends who have already taken boys home and here I am still afraid to talk about it with people who know.
I think I know what's going to happen. I can already feel it. Emotions are being compartmentalised and hidden from the world. I'm becoming cold and heartless. Hatrid fills my veins with that which I cannot control. A burning anger that showed itself back in July/August. Lying dormant in the unconscious part of my brain.
So...since I kinda was just honest with the whole...no one who reads this, I've come to appreciate this blog as an area for me to get rid of things. And at someone in my last Uni class said this year, "Graffiti is the way, its the only way to get our message out there."
-Sark
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