Thursday, August 09, 2007


A masquerade.
The first thought that comes to mind is a party where people wear masks to hide their true identity. I prefer to look at the actual hiding of ones identity. It does not even have to be identity that we are hiding. Perhaps a part of our identity, our personality, a covering up of the truth even.

This is important because we all cover up the truth in some way or another. Whether this is through a direct lie, or due to an omission of the truth, the reality behind something has been changed. A masquerade helps us to deal with the truth. If given the chance, would you not also choose a satisfying lie over the awful truth? This is of course highly dependent upon the situation which calls for the question. The reality is, most people would choose to tell a satisfying lie.

This makes things extremely hard when the mask finally comes off, the walls come down or the charade is lifted. This is where confrontation occurs. I recently experienced this myself. When I first met someone, all my walls came down. It is true, I was perhaps hiding behind less than ever before. The same could not be said for the other person. Last night, the mask came off and the truth came out. It was clearly a case of a satisfying lie to keep me from the awful truth.

The problem with this scenario is that once the truth does come out, someone needs to deal with the both the awful truth and the terrible lie.
Thinking about this in the broader scheme of things brings me to the question of power. Perhaps people tell lies for power. They feel powerful, or do so to feel more power. To exercise it over someone or to manipulate a situation to their needs. It becomes a bit of a role reversal though when the truth comes out, the powerful, the one controlling the situation is suddenly on the defensive, with less of a backbone to argue, less morals to rely on.

Lies will always be part of the human race. It is because of lies that we are here, at this very social and political scene that we live in. Everybody tells lies, and sometimes it doesn't make a difference. If you ever come across a situation though where a lie is seriously going to alter things then, in my experience, the awful truth is going to be so much more welcome.

"I can't find a wall to pin this to. They're all coming down since I met you" - Yellowcard (2007)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


This blog has two components.
The first is about Q&A - Queer and Alternative. I really liked Thursday nights at a bar called Barry. It was awesome. The music matched what I was into. I could be a punk/skater and totally fit in, although I didn't have a problem with being different either. Sadly those nights are over. it's kind of sad to know that a place that was so much fun has gone. RIP Q&A.

I guess the crux of this blog relates to a different Q&A. The way we question ourselves. What answers we hope to find while diving into the deepest and darkest crevices of our mind.

I seem to be questioning myself lately. But sometimes questions can be mistaken for battles.
I've had a troubled week. Problems have arisen which have needed my attention. To deal with these I usually go for a run. There's something about it that allows you to think while not getting too angry, because excess energy is being released as you run.
I was running just the other night. Trying to figure out a pretty big problem which basically involved almost $3000 of my own money. While I was doing it I kept asking myself why I placed my trust in some people. Why did I trust them so quickly? Why didn't I qualify their trust? Then it lead to questions like Why do I always find myself the victim? I wasn't angry as such, but I was hurt, upset, and beginning to feel rebellious. I never questioned myself over why. It's been a mystery for three years, where these mood swings come from.

I guess in the end the answers all point back at me. Despite what has happened to me, despite the way I have been treated by some people, I still try to see the best in people. It has screwed me over before, and now again. I'm not referring to anyone in particular, so if someone is reading this and is worried I'll ask you not to be. I guess I'm someone who gets disappointed easily. I trust people, even though I keep an eye on them when they're suspicious. Without reason to suspect anything I trust people way too much.

The real question then becomes, is that my weakness?

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Prophecy

I'm not sure whether I believe that 'prophets' can effectively and accurately predict the future. I'm pretty much a new age sort of guy, I don't believe in the power of the pyramid. This sort of thing typically makes me roll my eyes.
A prophecy is generally explained as being a statement that tells what will happen. In this regard it could be said to be connected to fate. I don't believe in fate myself because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.

However, the other day I 'prophecised' my Uni results...correctly too might I add. Does this make me a prophet? Was this just random luck or a well educated guess based on my sound knowledge of my educational ability and a knowledge of how my teachers would read my papers?
Whatever you think is irrelevant, as is what I may answer to these questions.
The main point I'm leading to here is that events such as these, although in different contexts, have sparked the curiosity of human society into believing and wanting more.

We see it everywhere, but one important example is that of John Edwards. You know, that guy who had a show on Channel 10 (Seriously) who could communicate with dead people. While not prophecising as such, it takes on the same concept that someone knows something that nobody else can know. A claim to access such information which makes people want more.
You see, like a prophet, John Edwards fills his audience with a sense of false hope. Whether his statements are true or not is something of personal opinion (personally I feel like there is someone out there with brown hair who agrees with me, however if you have Black hair then it could be you, sometimes my visions are blinded of colour).

I don't mean to be rain down on people's parade, but one thing I dislike is when people just follow orders, listen to information and believe it. It is something that has happened all throughout history. A little bit of hope, a little 'prophet' and the lure of a propitious opportunity pertaining to future events suck people in. Those people who really think for themselves have my complete respect. My days of blindly following orders are over. Every order I follow is because I'm making a conscious choice too, without interference of a pseudo exclamation.

I better be off, because my horoscope says I will be hungry after releasing an amount of energy...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Page 47

Many of you who know me have asked the questions -
"What is your obsession with the number 47?"
"Why is it in your MSN name (47)?"
"Why do you want to get that tattooed on your arm?"

The answer goes deeper than I have ever divulged.

On one level the number came to my interest through the cult TV show 'Alias.' I can't call it a massive hit because the producers only ever intended it to fit a small audience, much like Buffy. In comparison, Lost was meant to be the same but it became a hit with mainstream audiences.

The number was first mentioned in the first episode 'Truth Be Told' where Marshall creates a camera within a lipstick that takes photos and can measure space in 3 axis from one vantage point.
This was the first mention of the number but I didn't start to become obsessed with it until the episode 'Page 47.' Page 47 referred to the 47th page of a manuscript written by the late prophet Milo Rambaldi in the 15th century. The page, unlike all others, was blank, but it contained significant information. The key to reading what was hidden beneath was to use the Rambaldi solution the CIA had recovered. Spraying this over the page would reveal 'The Chosen One.'
Suddenly I became obsessed with the number and saw it occurring everywhere.

So at the moment you all think I'm a massive geek. But the conspiracy grows.

Google the number '47'.
The first search result gives you 'The 47 Society: An international interest-group that follows the occurrence and recurrence of the quintessential random number: 47.

It is an intriguing phenomenon. The number 47 lives, and I know, deep down in my heart the number 47 will have a connection with the day I die. It may be the 47th day of the year, it may be when I am 47 years of age or in the year 2047. I might even die at 47 minutes past the hour or 47 hours after being involved in a serious car crash.

The truth is out there and it is trying to find you. All you need to do is look.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Coup

I've disappeared.
I feel like I have become, or am still in the process of becoming what I once swore I would never do. I haven't been able to control myself lately and I find myself slipping into old ways again.
I do not have multiple personality disorder. Nor bipolar. But I can feel something in me. The emotional part of my brain is sometimes there, and all powerful and controlling. Then sometimes it disappears, I become solely rational and the feeling of such emotions is non-existent.

I feel like I have been sucked further into a world where I do not fit in. The culture that is so ever present, one that I have witnessed is trying to entice me in.

I can't pretend like things have never been hard. They were awesome for a while but now that life is back into old routines I can finally see what it is doing to me - it is killing me.

I sit here now, pondering the existence of a better life. Not depressed, but so drained that I want to curl up and cry. It's a time when giving up seems a viable option and disappearing is something that will fix things. I want a life where I'm not working 38 hours a week, at Uni classes 6 hours a week, on the train 10 hours a week, trying to study to pass my subjects and somehow manage a social life. It is too hard to maintain. And my reasoning for this whenever anyone says I'm crazy - "It has to be done." But does it?

The burden of expectation is getting increasingly heavier. My health is being affected. Where once I could run five laps of the local footy oval, a 10 minute run these days leaves me out of breath for half an hour.

I have an essay to write that is due on Thursday. I have lost all desire and motivation to complete it. Why finish something that will get you nowhere if yo have nothing to prove to anyone? Why? Because it has to be done.

At the end of the day I know how things have changed. Looking back on things gives you a greater understanding of what has really happened. I didn't think I had changed that much since America. I only realised I had become less angry at the world. But I think it taught me that when I look after myself and stop trying to impress people or live up to their standards I'm a better person. I don't get as attached to things as I used to.

I'm taking drastic action in an effort to improve what is happening to me. You may not see me online much. I may not answer my phone or reply to messages. I don't even want to go out drinking for a while. There is no obligation to have to do these things. So if you are reading this, and you have gotten this far, know that these things need to be done.

And at the end of the day when you next see me, I'm going to tell you the truth.
-We all fall down-

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Box, Part 2

The second two weeks of this trip was the Adventure tour.
We got back to Los Angeles early in the morning and had the day to ourselves. I think by this stage we were craving some fast food so we went to Maccas and had a large meal. For the record our large is their medium. It actually tasted pretty good and we all finished it!
A group of us went on an LA tour through Venice Beach, and Hollywood, seeing the Hollywood sign and the walk of fame. I lost myself in Hot Topic while everyone was sightseeing the Chinese Theatre...oops. Bought some wicked cool tshirts though.

The next morning we left for Vegas and stopped at Barstow on the way. Barstow is just desert, with massive outlet shopping centres selling heaps of clothes at awesome prices. I bought two pairs of shoes, some shirts, pants. I think I bought more than most of the girls.
We arrived in Vegas at night so were able to see all the bright lights. It does look nice but yea, after two nights there I was over it. We were out until about 2am both nights, basically just looking at everything we could. It's so easy to lose yourself there, and a few of the hotels have painted their ceilings to look like the sky, so you can forget its night time. The hotels are like malls almost. Heaps of shops and restaurants, and of course the Casino's. If there's room for a pokie machine, they'll put one in. We also went Indoor Skydiving in Vegas. It was so much fun I'm ready for the real skydiving now...when I get more money.

After Vegas we left for the Grand Canyon. We stopped at the Hoover Dam on the way which is on the border of Nevada and Arizona. It's a massive dam built on the Colorado River and the photos I took don't really capture just how big it is. It's like 660 feet thick of concrete at the base. That night we saw an IMAX movie about early explorations of the Grand Canyon which was pretty cool.
We saw the Grand Canyon the next morning and took some photos, had a snowball fight. After which we continued driving towards Steamboat Springs, Colorado, where we would be staying for 5 days.

We shared Condominiums in Colorado. Six people in each so we had to cook dinner as well for each other. Steamboat was heaps of fun. The group split up, with half of us snowboarding and the other half opting to ski. It's harder than it looks and I hurt my bum through falling over. Might have had a minor concussion too from one fall. We also went Snowmobiling, Horseback Riding and took a sleigh ride to dinner for Michaela's birthday (our tour leader).
On the last day in Colorado I got my eyebrow pierced. It looks hot by the way.
I should also tell you about Australia Day. Since we missed it back home we decided to drink in its honour. I got so drunk I actually can't remember what happened for half the night. But Aussie Aussie Aussie - OI OI OI!

That night we left on our long trip down to San Diego, stopping at hotels in the middle of nowhere and small towns for gas and fast food lunches.

We visited Tijuana, Mexico the night we arrived in San Diego. We did some shopping but most of the stuff was the same. Bartering was fun though. Lozz, Angela and I were such a good team. Then we had dinner and drinks at Iguana's Restaurant. I can't believe I can remember what happened. We got a cool Mexican dinner for just $5 and drinks were so cheap too. Two drinks for $5. We downed Tequila Sunrises, Strawberry Margarita's and Tequila shots. Oh the Tequila shots. The bartender guy holds your head back and pours some tequila into your mouth, then lets you swallow and does it again. The he shakes your head, and repeats the process. Once you've had like 4 mouth fulls he picks you up and spins you around the dance floor over his shoulder. It makes you so drunk really quickly. I did it twice and yea that probably wasn't the best idea.
We went to the Horton Plaza the next day and did some shopping. More Hot Topic and we had Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream - the best Ice Cream in the world. I had American Pie flavour and yes it tasted just like American Pie!
We visited SeaWorld the next day before driving back to LA to fly home. It was sad leaving. I miss everyone I went with. Lozz, Kylie, Angela, Calvin, Ben, Misty, Krissy, Rochelle, Emmie, Jing, Vicki, Michaela and Laila.

Never gonna forget the fun that we had, the things that we did and the memories that we now share.


The Box, Part 1

So most of you would have realised that I was gone for a month, and now that I'm back most of you are asking "How was the trip?" with my general response being "wicked cool, it was totally awesome."
I've decided to write about what happened, even though for the most part it can't really be conveyed to anyone. The few people I have tried to explain it to haven't really understood the meaning behind it, and so lives the memory of the greatest time in my life, alone in my head, and of those who I shared it with.

I went to America. An organised trip through ISV - International Student Volunteers - that aims to take Uni students overseas for some volunteer work and a wicked cool time. You don't have to be a uni student though so if anyone is interested go check out or ask me.

The first two weeks of the trip were spent on Catalina Island which is about an hour's boat ride west of Los Angeles. This is where we helped the Catalina Island Conservancy for our volunteer project. The Island has one main town, Avalon which is really small. The rest of the Island is mountainous and natural. Most people live in Avalon. The Island was quite arid, lots of cactus and it really looked like Outback Australia, dry and hot, even in winter.

Our accommodation for these two weeks was spent 20 minutes away from Avalon, at the Laura Stein Volunteer Camp. There were two large tents with 4 bunk beds in each, sleeping 8. One tent was the girls tent, the other had to be co-ed because of the large amount of girls on the trip.
We had quite an impressive kitchen with a refrigerator, barbeque, and gas stove. We had all the utensils we needed to cook dinner and had industrial sinks to clean dishes. There was no electricity up here so everything was run off propane gas bottles.
We had a fire pit at the camp which is where we spent almost every night. We'd eat dinner, talk, gossip, toast marshmallows and whatever else until we went off to bed. It was always freezing at night so the fire provided us with warmth. It was nice being outside. I really miss the fire.
We also had two flushing toilets and two showers- one indoor and one outdoor, with hot water. Camping with luxury you could call it.

So what did we have to do? We assisted the Conservancy with a few different tasks. There were two main ones though. We helped build 6 fences in 3 days (it was a record might I add). Thankfully this wasn't three days back to back because it was such hard work. Pounding poles into the ground, which was sometimes really hard, while standing on a ladder on a slope with a few people holding it. The purpose of the fences was to keep the Deer out of the areas we had enclosed. There had been a fire on the Island and the Conservancy were doing experiments on which plants grew back after a fire. The Deer eat the new plants as they grow so they needed to be kept out with an 8 foot fence.

We spent another four days removing an invasive weed called Fennel. I'm so sick of Fennel I don't care if I never see it again. It was growing around cactus so we had to cut cactus out the way, cut the Fennel at the base (it was dead but had to be cut and broken down) and then snap it and leave it on the ground so the nutrients could be absorbed back into the Earth.
It took a whole day to remove every bit of Fennel from the site we were working on.
The next three days (yes we had four in a row doing this) we planted native plants in the area. - California Coastal Sage. Yes I remembered that can you believe it. We planted 750 between the group which was heaps! Not allof us were planting at once. The ground was a bit hard so some people were digging holes with an Auger, and then others were removing the excess dirt from them with a manual hole digger. At the end of the four days though the area looked heaps better.

We also spent two days at the Native Plant Nursery. We helped clean it up a bit and transplanted California Coastal Sage from small pots into bigger ones so they could continue growing until they are ready to be planted. Basically we were involved in the whole process. We transplanted seedlings into bigger pots and then planted them into the ground.

We cleaned up a couple of the beaches on the Island too. Basically the wind and water current brings rubbish from the mainland to the Island and it gets stuck. We found heaps of Disneyland balloons and strings. We even found Wildman's Hut (haha). It's a story on the Island about a guy who mystery just walked into the mountains and now spends his life haunting people. We stole his cup and trashed it. Serves you right Wildman!

We had a couple of days off while we were working. Usually spent in Avalon washing our clothes and doing some shopping, quickly checking emails and calling home. On one Sunday though we went to a private beach and had an awesome barbeque lunch. Some people went Kayaking. I climbed a cliff and took photos of them Kayaking. We played games on the beach, including 'Whats the time Mr Wolf.' Ok don't laugh, we were all Uni students and we all just had a massive good time playing kids games.

That's the hard bit I think, trying to explain to people how good a time it was over there. I miss everyone I went with, the games we played, the talking around the fire, encouraging each other when we worked and worked and worked. Cooking dinner for each other and being like family. It was an awesome time those first two weeks on Catalina Island.

And to those people I went with - remember, you can't shrug a shrotum or shrotum a shrug!!