Colour-blind

So, another blog. A lot has been happening lately and I find that I'm going to need to do what I once had to...compartmentalise my emotions in order to maintain the strategic balance I have my peers.

Makes me wonder about emotions. So many people are easily controlled by them. For example, those hot headed people. Like Russell Crowe. Then there's people who are always calm and calculated. I used to be like that before I started letting people into my life. Now I'm a balance between the two. I need people. But I also need to maintain a cap on my feelings.

Recently I felt something I haven't felt for a while. Lust, or a serious crush. The circumstances are totally barbaric and I won't elaborate on them in a public forum. But how can I start to feel something for someone I haven't met? Having them creep into my thoughts when I'm bored and lonely. This is why I need to control it, because as experience shows, nothing good will ever come out of it.

With that, you start to think about the other party involved. What are they thinking? And feeling? If at all? Am I just amusement, a game maybe? This is the substantial problem in developing a crush, and I'm going to refer to it as a crush for ease of referencing, on someone that you have not met. Am I an idiot or just like an ever increasing group of Y-gen's (or as MC Lars calls us, the iGeneration - i prefer his term).


The other problem with feelings is that you really can't control them. If we could, then I wouldn't have developed these feelings prematurely. Unfortunately, feelings can also lose you friends and this past week I've been faced with the retribution from one of my best mates because I see-saw between ridiculously happy and depressingly sad. It really hurts to think that this person is gone and I've taken measures to ensure I'm going to come out of this a better person. That person will most likely never read this blog, and may never care about the impact they had on my life, although the circumstances surrounding such an enlightenment are not so worthy of an autobiography or blockbuster movie.

At the end of this I'm me, and maybe I can't control things. Maybe I need to stand up and fight for what I need to. I've stayed in the darkened corner of my room listening to emo music and crying too many times to have ever been able to take away anything positive.

I miss those friends, and I desire that which I probably will not get. But maybe in the end the realisation of self fulfilment and the error of my ways will put the colour back into my eyes.

-Tim.